Flash LaCash vs Biff Farrell
Flash LaCash Helps Himself Out to a Heaping Helping of Biff
After his star-spangled buttocks made its debut in Lon Dumont’s Wrestler Spotlight, Biff Farrell has been the center of attention for a lot of BG East wrestlers and fans. You don’t get more “all-American” than this youngster with his easy Colgate smile and high and tight haircut, and now any heel worth his salt wants to get his hands on him. “This is gonna be fun,” quips smiling Flash LaCash as he climbs into the ring after Biff refuses to open the ropes for him. Flash is, as his moniker implies, ready to beat up anybody for the right number of zeroes on a paycheck, but we suspect he would have squared off against Biff for free, such is the handsome patriot’s apple-pie appeal, a face and body practically pleading to be stretched out on ring ropes and ridden hard like a bronco. And that goes double after the snub.
Nicknaming the new kid “Big Poppa Pump” (after pro-wrestling legend Scott Steiner), Flash coaxes him into showing off his humongous arms, which are built to “knock out punks like you,” Biff boasts ill-advisedly. Flash is unfazed by the butch talk: “I was gonna shake your hand but I already fuckin’ don’t like you, so …” The heel’s toothy smile widens from ear to ear. “… You wanna wrestle? I’ll wrestle ya.” Arms outstretched as if preparing for a collar-and-elbow lockup, Flash calls the new meat in, only to kick him in the midsection. In just one second, he has the rookie in a full nelson. But Biff’s massive guns are not only for show. He muscles out of the hold, ramming his elbow back into Flash’s ribs, a blow that’s certain to leave a dent. A body slam tests LaCash’s bounceability. Unsurprisingly, the tough-as-leather vet is back up in, well, a “flash,” only to be served up and slammed again. The followup is a chest-to-chest bearhug, another chance for Biff to show off his arms. But Flash slugs his way loose.
From this point on, Flash sees Biff as his own personal lifesize Stretch Armstrong toy. He backs him to the corner ropes for some grade-A pro-style pummeling. He pauses now and then to catch his breath, pressing his butt to the kid to hold him in place. Biff only makes matters worse for himself by trying to punch his way out of his preordained ass-beating. Resistance pisses LaCash off, and the man knows how to handle a defiant rookie, even one as big and brawny as Farrell. As capable at tying an opponent in knots on the mat as clubbing him against the turnbuckle, Flash puts Biff through the proverbial wringer. A deftly executed cross armbar displays the full glory of the recruit’s writhing, agonized physique for the camera (and not for the last time). “You wait till I get up!” Biff threatens. “Yeah,” Flash smirks, “I’m waiting.” Biff tries to protect himself by covering up, but Flash opens him up like a sticky centerfold, making sure the safety of the ring ropes is just an inch out of reach.
Next LaCash goes to work on Farrell’s legs, crimping Biff’s hairy monster calves and thighs in a figure-four leglock, throwing in some crunches to toughen the abs while the all-American boy flails. Biff attempts the classic reversal of this hold only to get stomped facedown on the mat by the apparently indomitable Flash. Flash is “The Man,” and hunky, hump-worthy Biff might as well be in diapers. A little later, against the turnbuckle, when Biff interrupts Flash’s steel-claw hold with a side headlock, the agile heel slips free and bitch-slaps the kid for his repeated impertinence. When the babyface tries again, Flash hauls him up in the air and smashes him to the mat. Biff puts up a good fight, but every little fire he starts Flash douses with twice the energy and ten times the ring savvy. Pretty soon, Biff is wishing he had opened those ropes for Flash to start with. The action is steady and satisfying every second of the way. A sweaty knockout stomp wraps it all up tight and tidy in this sophomore entry in the Rookie Wreckers series.